a method to the madness

as i've hinted on here before, my summer was a crazy one. i thrive on routine and structure, so naturally i have an aversion to change. that being said, this summer i found myself staring down the barrel of a whole lot of change that was headed my way.

in late july, i escaped to my happy place (chapel hill) and to my happy place within my happy place. it's nothing fancy, but that's why i love it so. and trust me, my mental and emotional state needed the escape. i also needed the ice cream i had for dinner in said happy place...not to mention my time with Jesus.

i don't like keeping secrets. and i don't like making decisions. so the fact that i was doing a lot of both was about as fun as a root canal...or so i'm told. i've never actually had one. knock on wood. i was tired of having to watch my words carefully and remember who knew what. i wasn't lying, but i was watching my words very closely and holding my cards very close to my chest on a few not-so-small things.

i hate the feeling of having to overthink before i speak. i love the freedom of full disclosure and not having to analyze what i say before i say it. not only does full disclosure save my brain cells from going into overdrive and spewing smoke, but it also adds depth and strength to relationships. this girl is all about intentional relationships.

it felt like i was being deceitful. i guess that's part of the job hunting process (full disclosure temporarily goes out the window) but it still felt wrong to a degree. i also felt torn between several really awesome opportunities but none of them were fully on the table at the same time, which meant i couldn't sit down and logically cross things off the list of options. everything was intertwined and i was forced into several months of daily trust that the Lord was in the details and it would all pan out precisely as He planned long ago. thankfully God is a gracious God and He took two options off the table for me due to time constraints and that brought some sense of relief. exhale.

but because i'm stubborn and still had delusions of being somewhat in control (and because He likes to keep me on my toes), every time i thought i had some sense of stability back something changed and i was left stumbling to find my balance. i found myself planning a (cross town or cross country...gulp) move that was nowhere near my radar originally and preparing for a mission trip to Burundi Africa...which then changed to Haiti due to Ebola precautions. all the while praying through job options and what i felt was the Lord's best for me.

holy smokes, batman. that's a lot of change for a change hater.

once i could finally spill the beans, i felt the weight of the enormous breath i'd been holding escape my lungs. not only was my secret not so secret anymore, but the decisions were made. oh, what a relief!

i have no doubt i'll find myself in a crazy decision cycle again in my life, so i'm holding tightly to the fact that God is intimately concerned with the details of my life and He is writing a story with me that is far greater than anything i could imagine. He's got this and i don't need to worry for a second. i just need to lean into Him, pursue the things He's made me passionate about, and use the gifts He's given me. He has a method to the madness.

bekah

live unashamedly :: laugh uncontrollably :: love unconditionally