warning: this is going to be a random mesh of my thoughts gushed into words and typed onto a screen. brace yourself, i'm not entirely sure what you're going to get.
the past few weeks have been busy. not in a bad way. just busy. physically busy. emotionally busy. mentally busy. you get the picture. just busy. don't get me wrong. i love busy. i'd much rather be busy than bored to tears struggling to find something to do only to find myself sitting at home on the couch. no thank you. but mind you, daylight savings time is a real damper on life right now. at 5:00...actually i think it was 4:58 today....the sun goes down and my body begins to think the day is over. makes busy-ness more challenging. how am i supposed to galavant around town in the dark? no more post-work runs. definitely a challenge. i'm not a fan. bring back the light!!
on a more serious note, i've been reminded these past few weeks that i'm not guaranteed anything. i struggle to surrender my sense of entitlement a lot of the time. i have my agenda, my priorities, my goals, my ideas, my time, my friends, my job, my recognition, my workouts, my small group, my girls, my life. somehow in the midst of all the "busy-ness" i schedule into my day, i forget that i'm really not the one calling the shots. i get to walk (okay, usually run...) in obedience and let the Lord direct my steps. it's certainly easier for Him to direct me when i'm moving than when i'm paralyzed with fear and too hesitant to make a move for fear of going the wrong way. but i just forget sometimes that once i start running, He's the one who ultimately gets me where He wants me. it has nothing to do with the route i chose. it's not me, it's Him.
i've also been reminded that i can't keep banking on the future. i'm a planner. this shouldn't come as much of a surprise, really. i've always been one to have plans for the next several years of my life. not terribly detailed, but detailed enough that i know the general direction i'm headed and how i'm going to get there. again, not entirely bad in and of itself because i'm moving and that's better than being at a standstill. but i can't forget that my plans are not the ones that prevail. only the Lord's plans prevail (proverbs 19:21). and if we're really going to put things in the right perspective, my life isn't even my own (jeremiah 10:23). i'm not guaranteed tomorrow. if i'm not careful, i'll get so consumed in planning for tomorrow and all the tomorrows after it, that i lose sight of what the Lord has planned for me right now in this moment. right now, i exist to make a big deal out of Him. it's not about me.
last thing: i'm headed home on wednesday for thanksgiving, which i'm really excited about (almost to the point of being giddy, which is somewhat surprising). my grandmother (mimi) isn't doing well and my heart has been heavy for the past week....just aching to get home and see her before it's too late. please keep my family in your prayers. one of my journal entries from this past week reads, "Lord, continue to give mom clarity and strength in her decision making. May her strength and peace continue to come from You and radiate in such a way that [everyone around her] would draw closer to You. i know You can do this and empower mom to walk in You. Make Your name famous through this time. Your name and renown are the desire of our hearts (isaiah 26:8)." i love my mimi and i pray that she takes a turn for the better. but then again, "better" may actually seem worse in our eyes. selfishly i want many more days with her here, but i know that her best days will be once she leaves this temporary life. hard to swallow that, but the Lord is filling me with His peace as i begin to let go of the thought that mimi will always be there when i go home to visit. thanks for those of you who have been praying and for the support you have been. i'm blessed to have such a strong core of solid advisors and prayer warriors.
live unashamedly. laugh uncontrollably. love unconditionally.